What no one ever tells you about pregnancy is that there’s only a
fifty-fifty chance you’re going to love every second of it or wish you’d
castrated your partner before his super sperm had done its job. Me being the
latter, I’d felt that pregnancy was like being part of a hostage situation. No
one tells you that you’ll lose the real-estate on your bladder and have to move
full-time onto the porcelain bus and no one tells you that the first three
months you’re shelling out cash for endless tests just to make sure you have a
healthy human instead of a mini ape growing inside you.
What else does no one tell you? That your favourite Cuppa Joe may suddenly
be removed from palatable substances you used to consume, your farts could end
the world and every single day is a ‘fat day’ ladies. I should go on to mention
that also, no one ever tells you how much labour will actually hurt. Imagine a
Mack track ramming head first into a sewerage pipe and busting through the
other end. Do you think there’s any damage after that? Sure, there’s stitches,
blood, a giant gaping hole for future sexual exploits and probably a case of
your insides trying to escape through your cervix. Nice, huh?
But on a lighter note, what no one can ever explain or tell you about
pregnancy is how much you will love that little stow-away the second you lay
eyes on him. And, despite all of the reasons mentioned above to book a full
hysterectomy now, every single second of trauma will be worth it.
Unless of course the little bastard screams incessantly and never lets you
sleep ...
Kristy 😃