Turkey Slapping.

Yes, this is a topic and one I wouldn’t usually discuss via social media, particularly when in inference to a sexually inappropriate action.

But since I’m all about being inappropriate on most occasions, I figured we’d take a little nose-dive into this topic for a brief moment in time. 

For those of you unaware—and feel free to google it if you want pictorial evidence—turkey slapping is the act of a man literally slapping a woman in the face with his … um … breadstick. 

Most women will admit that this has happened to them on more than one occasion and if it hasn’t, you’re either a nun, lying or living with a eunuch.

In most cases, this generally occurs because your partner thinks he’s a comedian and desires nothing more than slapping you in the face with his mediocre genitalia in the hopes you might open wide and swallow. Other times it’s because you’re shaving your legs in the shower, both of you turn at once and presto! Face full of pink! Other times you’re climbing ladders, surfacing in the swimming pool with your eyes closed, hungry or having a good laugh with your demented other half and compelled to slap him back.

The point is; it happens. 

A few weeks ago my bestie was visiting and was fortunate enough to experience this delightful activity for herself from none other than … The Cockney.

Yes, you heard right. My partner decided to bestow my best friend with this precious gift laden with inappropriate humour. And though I hear women everywhere gasping--to be fair--it was the most ridiculously funny thing I have seen in ages.

Picture this; a day trip on the jet ski takes us to a remote island with crystal clear waters and an abundance of marine life … including sea cucumbers. Do you see it now? The Cockney wrangled one of those bad boys from the ocean floor and proceeded to gently attack my bestie with its slimy skin. She squealed with laughter as he thrust it at her neck, cheek and even attempted to shove it in her mouth. I was beside myself, having no idea whether to laugh, cry or shield watchful children from this sordid act of marine depravity. 

Needless to say we all laughed until we cried. The children watching cried, but they’re someone else’s problem and it was a memory none of us would forget.

Happy Turkey Slapping.

Kristy J