I’ve been asked to write about: The male guide to female communication.

A tricky topic if ever I’ve encountered one. I think I’d rather blog about vaginal discharge and the do’s and don’ts of battery licking, but alas I’ve been laboured with this incredibly serious task that I honestly have no formal qualifications to quantify.

Most would expect me to write something along the lines of: The female is always right so just say, ‘yes, dear’ and be done with it, but that is almost never the case. So, rather than listing what I think men ‘should’ say or even how they ‘should’ communicate with women, I’ll simply write a list of the things we don’t like so you know what to avoid. Obviously if you decide to tell your wife or significant other that ‘yes, that blue dress does make you look fat’ then you’re going to get a slap. There’s a time and place for honesty too.

1.       When you’re running late, don’t tell her that she looks great because you want her to hurry up—we know you’re lying, give honest feedback instead (except the fat thing, I’m serious about the slapping). Let her know that perhaps her shoes would be better in another colour or a longer dress etc, etc—helpful feedback, not the kind where you’re literally seconds from shoving her face-first into the taxi.

2.       We love it when you listen to what we’re saying and remember it. I’m serious. When I have to repeat myself I almost always go postal. Aint nobody got time for that, especially a busy wife, mother or working woman!

3.       We hate it when you leave your clothes on the damn floor (especially next to the intended destination like the washing basket). Who picked it up for you before your significant other came along? Who washed it, folded it and put it away? That’s right … you did. We’re not your f#@king slaves, so be considerate.

4.       It may not be in your nature, but occasionally we love it when you do something unexpected that might actually help, like unpack the dishwasher and put everything away, hang out a load of wet laundry, vacuum the floor. We certainly don’t expect it, but definitely appreciate the small things, because if you attempt the big things like cook a gourmet meal, you’ll almost certainly f#@k it up and leave a massive mess for her to clean up which puts you back at square one.

5.       Romance pays dividends. Not all the time. Cheesiness will also earn you a dick slap, but a foot rub while watching telly or making her a cup of coffee when you can see her day has been crazy will most probably earn you a BJ.

I could honestly go on. I have so many comparable situations in which male to female communication could be executed more fully, but in truth, there’s no better communication than the open dialogue you both share regularly and filtered with compromise. That’s not to say you couldn’t make more of an effort (you know you’re mostly a lazy bugger), but if you even start with listening … oh what a massive difference that would make. Unless of course you have the Olympic champion of talkers for a significant other, then feel free to tune out and Facebook until midnight. Nobody likes a Chatty Cathy!

Kristy J