Top 10 Writing Tips

Once upon a time, you would plonk yourself down at an ageing, wooden desk, hot cup of steaming coffee to the side while you tapped furiously on an old brother typewriter. Fast forward a few years and writers and creatives alike are now voicing their thoughts through iPads, fancy desktop computers, dictation, and even through the medium of podcast. There have been so many changes in the format and style of how writing is supplied to the world that it's almost impossible to keep up.

Despite the ever-changing way in which we write, market or sell our stories, we all need to follow a simple structure to help us achieve the best quality result. Here are 10 top tips to keep you on track:

                                            Young Book Writer Writing in Library

Note. Sourced depositphotos.com Elnur_ (2021)

1. Make sure your voice is unique and entirely your own - as in - don't be afraid to be original in your thinking. If you feel the urge to compete with and/or copy another artist, then where is the true joy and inspiration that you're hoping to impart?
2. Organise your thought process. Good stories have well thought out structure. Evolve your characters, build conflict, resolve conflict, and finally find a way to bring the story to conclusion or add a little hook for evolving sagas.
3. Create consistent characters. Make notes about each of your characters to ensure you have consistency regarding their behaviour, speech style, and aesthetic.
4. Make sure you've done your research on the topic you intend to write, blog or podcast about.
5. Keep your writing as simple as possible. Avoid convoluted sentences and too much fluff in your descriptions. Instead of saying 'she walked as fast as her legs could carry her', you could say, 'she walked hurriedly'.
6. Edit. Edit Edit. And once you've done that, proofread some more.
7. Read other novels to gain insight on styles, structure, characters, and creative thinking.
8. Be open to receiving constructive criticism.
9. Write consistently and as often as possible.
10. And most importantly ... write about the things that you would like to read!

Hopefully that helped, but feel free to reach out if you want any more ideas to help keep you going or set the pace.

Kristy 😀

Book Review: Alone with you in the Ether

Synopsis: Two people meet in the Art Institute by chance. Prior to their encounter, he is a doctoral student who manages his destructive thoughts with compulsive calculations about time travel; she is a bipolar counterfeit artist, undergoing court-ordered psychotherapy. By the end of the story, these things will still be true. But this is not a story about endings.

For Regan, people are predictable and tedious, including and perhaps especially herself. She copes with the dreariness of existence by living impulsively, imagining a new, alternate timeline being created in the wake of every rash decision.

To Aldo, the world feels disturbingly chaotic. He gets through his days by erecting a wall of routine: a backbeat of rules and formulas that keep him going. Without them, the entire framework of his existence would collapse.

For Regan and Aldo, life has been a matter of resigning themselves to the blueprints of inevitability—until the two meet. Could six conversations with a stranger be the variable that shakes up the entire simulation?

My two cents worth:

Aldo and Regan, the main characters of this rather simple, yet perplexing story of boy meets girl are the most confusing and mentally challenging individuals I've yet to encounter within a story. The author defines the book as a 'love story', but do not fool yourself into thinking there will be romance or the usual telling of lust and evolving relationship normality. This is a strange, and for lack of a better word, complex enmeshing of polar opposite characters that are magnetised to the other's eccentricities. 

The novel explores the evolution of thought as two individuals with their own unique mental struggles somehow define a new language in order to see the world through the same magnified glass. Unpredictable behaviours in both Aldo and Regan ignite curiosity, passion, and shared intellectual intelligence which within themselves unlocks some stability in their otherwise tumultuous thoughts and past patterns of behaviour.

I found this story intriguing and all together just plain different from anything I've ever read before. Even the story itself moved from being within a conversation between characters, to almost hovering above the ghost of history's past and re-living that particular moment. Did I enjoy this story? No, I don't think I actually did. The writing was good, the plot average at best, but the characters and their idiosyncrasies really set the novel apart from other stories within the 'love' genre.

I was intrigued, which I suppose is as much a positive as is not actually enjoying the story overall. I will say this is a very clever author with a very unique perspective, and if nothing else, this book should be well and truly celebrated for breaking the mold of conformity and arousing curiosity within its reader.

3 out of 5 stars ⭐⭐⭐

Kristy :)

What to do when Designing Book Covers

Designing a successful book cover is an extricate process as writing the novel in the first place. Just like when defining your characters, plot, battles, conversations, or inserting witty repertoire, the appropriate design for your cover needs to be well considered.

So, here are some points that may help when looking to design your own book cover:

The name of the book is 
largest and obvious 
followed by the
author's name in its
own unique position.

The image is singular 
and brazen. The title again
takes prime position with
all fonts interrelated and colour
matched to the cover image.

1. Make sure your cover image matches your genre - The worst thing you can do is try to trick the reader with an inauthentic image that represents something too far removed from the story behind your novel. For instance, you wouldn't place a picture of a fantasy realm with mythical creatures if you had written a hard-hitting detective novel. The reader will very quickly feel misled and may leave a bad review, because let's face it, we shop with our eyes first!
2. Use the correct font and colours - Ensure that your title hits home, ie; it is the clear and definitive within your cover and works coherently with your cover image. Choose colours that are appropriate to the image selected and also make sure they are not too garish or multiple in choice. This also applies to font. Too many variations in font can be confusing and ugly.
3. Never use a copywrite image - This is pretty self-explanatory, avoid any trademarked or copywritten material that could leave you liable.
4. Ensure good structure and layout - The title should take up pride of place within the cover, either in the middle or appropriately placed to create the right sense of drama and that the image does not overwhelm the cover. The author's name should be smaller than the title and placed either directly with the title or in its own space near the bottom (not visually crowded by images or tag lines).
5. Too much text or visual elements - Again, self-explanatory, but if your cover is filled with word after word which is then swamped with a busy visual background, the reader's eye is drawn everywhere and nowhere all at once.
6. Tag lines - If you are going to have a tag line, make sure it is short, sharp, and snappy and doesn't interfere visually with either the title or author's name.
7. Writing a series - If your books are a part of a series, it's okay to use different visual images, but there should be consistency between each novel ie; same font used for titles and author names, similar colours, similar imagery styles etc. Try to show coherency between each jump in novel so that the reader can piece that the series belongs together.

Well, that should get you started, and please feel free to drop a comment if you think there are some other valuable nuggets of information on book design that may help other authors on their writing journey. Also, if you would like your cover assessed, also just drop a visual in the comments and I'll provide some honest feedback.

Kristy😀

Book Review: Cutting Teeth by Chandler Baker

Synopsis: Darby, Mary Beth, and Rhea are on personal quests to reclaim aspects of their identities subsumed by motherhood—their careers, their sex lives, their bodies. Their children, though, disrupt their plans when an unsettling medical condition begins to go around the Little Academy preschool: the kids are craving blood.

Then a young teacher is found dead, and the only potential witnesses are ten adorable four-year-olds.

Soon it becomes clear that the children are not just witnesses, but also suspects . . . and so are their mothers.

As the police begin to look more closely, the children’s ability to bleed their parents dry becomes deadly serious. Part murder mystery, part motherhood manifesto, Cutting Teeth explores the standards society holds mothers to—along with the ones to which we hold ourselves—and the things no one tells you about becoming a parent.

My two cents worth ...

I can honestly say that Chandler Baker weaves quite an in depth, and pleasantly surprising account of motherhood - the joys, the fears, and the things we never truly admit to anyone else - from the perspective of three very different women. A mother myself, I found a lot of the inner dialogue and conversational pieces relatable, and at some times, laughable for the honesty imbued. I actually think this is where the strength of this book truly lies. The story line, although quirky and somewhat slightly different if you are expecting some sort of supernatural read does ultimately prove to be short of thrills. Without revealing too much of the story, the characters unfold with a level of predictability that offers very little for the reader to figure out. About halfway through this book I knew "who'd done it", but still found myself wanting to understand how the children craving blood tied in with everything unfolding.

The author, although very clever with their formation of characters and creating a true believability, unfortunately fails to bring a sense of relevance to the overarching story. Where I'd hoped for the supernatural element of blood craving to be further developed, it merely operated as a side car to the real vehicle of this novel - the who done it.

With a very real skill in crafting relatable characters and relationships, this author tipped the scales from a mediocre read to something closer to intriguing. If you are searching for something highly thrilling and dripping in darkness, then this novel is not quite the page turner. That being said, the candid and astonishingly inciteful deep dive into the working minds of motherhood is worth the read alone.

3 out of 5 stars ⭐⭐⭐

Kristy 😄

What are 15 things no one knows about you?

Sometimes it’s nice to do a little get to know me, especially for those of you that are new to the fictional world of Kristy Berridge. Like any writer, I’m full of a bit of drama and have a decent flair for the theatrics on occasion, but for the purpose of this blog, I won’t go into the details of my side hustle selling kidneys on the black market.

Kidding. So here are fifteen things you may or may not know about me.

1. I never wanted to have children, but I now am the proud owner of a bouncing baby boy. We call him Archibald or pain-in-the-ass for short 😊
2. I prefer to wear dresses over a pair of shorts – I have a giant ass and sometimes it’s too hard to squeeze everything into certain fabrics.
3. I love to eat breakfast at any time of the day (cereal and fruit, not eggs and bacon).
4. I can’t let anyone stack my dishwasher – That shit is like a game of Tetris and no one can conquer the gaps like I can with plates and spoons.
5. I don’t eat any meat or fish, but do like the occasional bit of cheese.
6. I don’t like exercising at night or any time after lunch – It’s just cause I’m lazy ...
7. I hate it when people are on their phones during social occasions – i.e.: out at dinner, family BBQ etc etc.
8. I absolutely hate coriander.
9. I used to rub a pair of satin boxer shorts to go to sleep right up until I moved in with my husband 7 years ago – My best mate made me throw them out. I’m still hating on her for that.
10. I don’t believe in writer’s block, just shit ideas.
11. I need to be around nature, without it I perish – A tad dramatic, but mostly true.
12. I’m still annoyed and frankly amazed that no one has invented calorie free chocolate yet (one that doesn’t make you shit yourself).
13. Ironically, I’d rather read a health and wellness magazine than a novel.
14. I wish I’d become a spy or a secret agent so I could kill assholes in the name of government service.
15. No matter how far or wide I travel, it’s never enough for me. I think I’m a gypsy at heart.

Kristy 😊

Small steps that lead to a healthier you!

 

I’m never one to consider myself a health and wellness expert. I completed a one-year stint in nutrition and then dumped it in favour of focusing on my writing. Perhaps that might not have been the wisest choice considering I’m not snorting cocaine off the backside of a hot Spaniard on my forty-foot yacht in the Caribbean.

But, one year and a keen interest in nutrition and health does equate to hefty opinions. And small steps are the key to a healthier version of yourself regardless of the self-imposed qualifications.

Heath doesn’t equal skinny. Health comes in multiple packages and it’s important to recognise all of them. A healthy mind driven by focus and meditative healing can be just as beneficial as six gym sessions and drinking green smoothies. Granted you can’t meditate your way to a leaner physique, but as I stated, health isn’t just about physical appearance.

Drinking more water and staying hydrated equals sharper cognition and better internal functioning. Sleeping more or resting when tired helps the body to repair and recover when needed. Taking up a physical activity, even if it’s a sex marathon, will help to keep obesity levels at bay. And of course, taking the small step to ingest more nourishing food options not only keeps the waistline down, but helps you poop better. And who doesn’t want to poop better?

Small steps, small changes. They all add up to progressively bigger results. Don’t stop proactively walking towards a healthier lifestyle just because the journey may seem too far.

Kristy 😀

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, otherwise known to the masses as OCD. I’m not certain if I’ve ever met anyone that needed to turn the doorknob seventeen times before exiting or if they need to tap their mouth three times before answering a question, but what I am quite certain of, is that every single one of us obsesses over something that needs to be done a certain way.

For example, I HAVE to stack the dishwasher without assistance. This doesn’t mean for a second that it runs more efficiently, but I do get a kick out of ‘Tetris-ing’ the shit out of every cup and plate to fit my entire cupboard in there. Thus, if the hubby even attempts to put a spoon in the knife compartment or a bowl in the plate rack, I tend to have a mini meltdown.

Crazy, right?

There is no rhyme nor reason why we do these things. The dishwasher would not be damaged if my hubby haphazardly stacked it or even put it on half empty, but my brain can’t handle the inefficiency of his efforts. Not technically and OCD tendency, it’s still a task that must be completed to my overly high standard.

Does anyone else tend to mark these psychotic tendencies down to OCD?

Kristy 😀

My Biggest Pet Peeve!

Can you really narrow down your biggest pet peeve to just one thing? I know I can’t. Perhaps that’s because I’m too tightly wound, a giant prick or maybe there are just one too many things that really piss me off.

Most people can identify the one thing that really does annoy them more than anything else. It could be that someone is talking over the top of them, nose pickers, slow drivers or even assholes that wear active wear in the grocery store. There are a multitude of things that we as a human race do on occasion that irritates the person or people closest to us.

For me, though it may not sound too far out of the realms of relatable, my biggest pet peeve is my husband. Not him physically or even personally (otherwise I wouldn’t have married him), but his ridiculously annoying habits.

He walks all manner of debris over my freshly cleaned floors. He never hangs up the bath mat. He throws his clothes next to the dirty clothes basket and he steals my Tim Tams. He panics over the most random and easily resolvable situations. He’s on his phone all the time and he makes suggestions rather than just outright telling me what he needs or wants.

Truly, the list could go on and I’d hate to see what really irritates him about me. But as you can see, not one particular thing peeves me more than another. I’m just that A-typical personality that’s hard to please, but rather ‘pleased’ the hubby still loves me despite me undoubtedly being his biggest pet peeve too.

Kristy 😀

Do we really care about others or is it just pretend?

Do we really care about others or is it just pretend? An interesting thought and one surely as varied as the billions of entities living on this planet.

I think it’s fairly safe to say that 95% of us actually do care about the other people around us. It might not be expressed in the depths that you care for a family member, your spouse or child, but if we didn’t care to some extent then social niceties would have become extinct long ago.

Yes, we are raised to stand for the pregnant lady on the bus, let the elderly man have your seat on the train or let the person busting for a pee behind you go into the public restroom first. These are our social graces and the small measures of kindness that we can impart so easily on a daily basis. But, caring about others can be a deeper, more personal thing. Caring about others can be as simple as smiling at a stranger that seems down in the dumps, helping your neighbour to mow their lawn when they’re unable to or sharing a sandwich with a co-worker without food.

These are mostly acts that we enact regularly and without thought, but imagine what else we could accomplish if we cared just that little bit more? Could we end poverty? Could we stop world hunger? Could we lessen depression by knowing there is always someone who cares?

The truth is, there’s so much more that all of us could do to show that we care and improve upon. Whether we have it in us isn’t really the question, but whether we care enough to do more is the real crux of the matter ...

Kristy 😀

Secrets to putting up with annoying habits.

I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules or even solutions regarding how to endure bad habits, especially from those you love, but you can choose how you react.

Bad habits belong to everyone. I myself have chewed my fingernails on and off since I was nine years old and have never really been able to stop the digits from entering my mouth over the course of every single day. I also jump in on family and friends and finish their sentences if I feel it’s taking too long to get their point across. I’m impatient like that.

But, when it comes to the bad habits of those around us, it’s easy to nit-pick at their failings rather than take a massive look inwards. For example, my hubby is amazing in so many respects. He’s kind, protective, intelligent and often quite thoughtful, but he can also leave the wet mat on the bathroom floor which tends to drive me batshit crazy. He also never hangs his towel up straight, never makes the bed, throws his dirty clothes next to the laundry basket rather than in it and uses every cup, plate, bowl and spoon in the kitchen rather than re-cycling.

I’ve truly thought about murdering him on many occasions, but instead of committing myself to life imprisonment, I decided to alter my perception of his bad habits. Because let’s face it, nagging never changes a bloody thing. First off, I had to decide if the wet floor mat was that big of a deal when I have plenty of other dry ones in the cupboard. Could I scoop up the clothes and pop them in the basket as I walked past and we have a dishwasher so is it really a drama that he empties the cupboards?

The answer was staring me in the face. His bad habits are bad habits that I’ve imposed upon him. He was quick to remind me that I cut my fingernails on the couch, never put the rubbish out and force him to eat vegetarian when he’s a carnivore. The point is, our perspective interprets what is and isn’t a bad habit and although some things simply annoy or aren’t that good for us, how we react to each and every situation depends on whether or not it’s bothersome or not that big of a deal.

Kristy 😀

What I would love to learn how to do?

Did you ever have a goal or ambition or dream of something that you would love to do? Well, I’m not really that person. Sorry.

I have ideas and generalised life targets, but nothing I truly ‘love’ to do. Sometimes I wonder if that’s sad that I don’t have anything in my life that I’m truly passionate about, but I figure since I’m well-rounded enough to enjoy multiple different things, that it’s okay not to love just one individual thing to the extreme.

For example, I enjoy writing and often find it very cathartic (if my newborn baby isn’t screaming in the background like he is right now ... BRB)

Right, so I also like to exercise and eat right because it makes my body feel good and helps balance any negative emotions that may be festering in my mind. I enjoy reading health & Fitness magazines when I get a spare minute (if I get a spare minute. No one tells you when you have a baby that you’ll never get a spare minute again ... ☹)

Anyway ... I adore catching up with my closest friends and family and I like to travel more than I like to eat peanut butter, but are these things something that I would love to do? Would I love to learn a new language? Would I love to recycle more? Would I love to stop my hubby from farting in bed? The answer is yes, but I don’t necessarily love these ideas enough to make them happen which brings me back to the original notion that you need to be passionate in order to execute.

Does anyone else feel like passion evades their drive?

Kristy 😊

The invasion of the Coronavirus

The invasion of the Coronavirus. It is an invasion, right? No one knows for sure how it might have cropped up other than a theory that perhaps someone ate a bat from a wet market in China.

Ugh...

I don’t want to start in on the sanitation implications of that alone, but irrespective of where this virus came from or how it might have gained momentum, it is an invasion. It has invaded our lives all across the globe in some of the worst ways possible. Our everyday freedom has been quashed, jobs have been lost, economies have taken a nose-dive and lives have been lost ... a lot of lives.

But despite this invasion to our privacy, work, home life and friendship circles, it has birthed a new generation of inspiring change. Never before has creativity been fostered so endearingly from kids creating crafts, people generating a side-hustle income or businesses adapting with new products and innovative ideas.

Take the extreme loss of life out of the equation and is being invaded all that bad? The environment is thriving, people are more connected than ever before and creative productivity has soared to inspirational heights. If you haven’t been touched by the impact of death or financial hardship, then this invasion has proven significantly effective in rebooting our way of life.

Kristy 😀

Men's rights from a woman's perspective.

Men’s rights from a woman’s perspective ... well ... this depends entirely on which woman you ask, right?

If you ask a mother about her son, then perhaps his rights as a young boy don’t translate to reality in a situation where being young implies lack of ability and developed intelligence. But, if several years go by and that same boy becomes a man, makes a life for himself and is sensible 90% of the time, then perhaps a mother would view her son’s rights as legitimate.

If you’re a scorned woman with a rocky past with men, then any right that a man might have may feel like a huge loss or a decline in women’s liberation. The scars of a personal past may impact on what you may now feel a man actually has a right to say or do. This can lead to bias and unfair categorisation of men in general.

A wife’s perspective on the rights of her husband may be forged through time and incidence. For example, that 100cm television he bought with the electricity money or the day he forgot half the groceries and purchased a slab of beer instead may in fact limit the rights of a husband in a wife’s mind. On the other hand, trust and loyalty can walk hand-in-hand where rights are thought equal as division of jobs, child-rearing and housework become fair and equitable.

In the end, no matter a woman’s role in a man’s life; be it wife, friend, sister, stranger, lover ... the rights of another human being should never be stifled, ignored or eliminated because of the bias of the past, present or possibility of the future. Men’s rights are just as valid and relevant as any woman. No one individual should define what another human being is capable of or entitled to ... that’s just not right.

Kristy 😀

Are secrets important?

I don’t think that there’s a soul on the planet that can admit to telling the truth 100% of the time. But whether or not you tell the truth or constantly lie is not in question. The question is: Are secrets important?

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this. A secret can hide a million bad things, prevent drama, create drama, but it can also protect. So, are secrets important? The word important denotes vital or even necessary, but a secret is just something you don’t say out loud. The truth is, would a secret ever really bother you if you never even heard it?

Hmm, something to ponder.

I think secrets are somewhat healthy and normal. No one ever truly reveals every single part of themselves and no one is ever that vulnerable. A secret doesn’t have to be a way to shut others out, protect the nation’s interests or be used in spiteful circumstances. Sometimes a secret can be to keep a surprise from a loved one, it can be that whisper of loving emotion that you’re not quite ready to admit or the white lie you may say to uphold another’s mental health.

Secrets aren’t important or necessary, they’re simply a part of human nature, a chance to hide what we don’t yet want known. Does that make them important? Well, I think that’s up to the individual to decide.

Kristy😀

Anything is possible. Or is it?

Most people love a good scapegoat or excuse don’t they? It gives those without drive a reason to say that something might not be possible. They can then hinge their lack of accomplishment on some invented reason as to why a goal simply cannot be met. I’m certainly no stranger to this, I constantly procrastinate and invent excuses as to why I can’t do something.

But does this mean that anything isn’t in fact possible? Hell no. It just means I’m lazy - Hella lazy sometimes.

Anything is possible if you decide that it’s a goal worth attaining. Want to lose weight? Go on a diet and start exercising more. Want to get a degree? Work your ass off, study and apply yourself. Want to buy a new car? Save up and get the damn Ferrari. Want to learn to dance? Enrol in a class and practice. You get my point, right?

Any goal is possible – possible meaning ‘able to be done or achieved’ – but only with the application of dedication and drive. So, although there might be some things that aren’t realistically possible to achieve such as visiting the moon or becoming a porn star, that doesn’t mean the journey to TRY and POSSIBLY attain those goals isn’t worth the effort.

Holding hope in the face of adversity builds strength of character. But don’t ever say that something isn’t possible. Anything is possible with the right attitude and productivity.

Kristy 😀

Alone, lonely or just being alone

Since the Covid pandemic hit the globe, the act of being alone or feeling lonely has come under the spotlight. Although every Country’s restrictions may differ, here in Australia we’ve dabbled in social distancing and full isolation in an effort to stop the curve. Whether these safety measures are proving successful or not, being alone has become a part of everyday life for some.

Isolation has forged new avenues of creativity in the form of communication, causing many to flourish in business, professionally and personally. Can we honestly call ourselves lonely with greater access to community and audience than ever before? What if you’re a bumbling idiot regarding technology or don’t have access to the web? Should we not consider this minority group cut off from everyone at risk of being lonely, not just alone?

We need to remember that we didn’t always have technology. We used to communicate via phone or drop in on our neighbours and friends. And, in this time of social distancing, it only takes a second to wave at the creeper across the street or write a letter to the old woman with no family in a nursing home.

Covid shouldn’t have made us better at making money and utilising technology. It should have made us humble and more considerate of those around us.

Kristy 😀 

I love listening to ...

It’s a bit open-ended, isn’t it? You can love listening to a whole host of things; Your favourite song, the sound of someone else cooking dinner, rain landing on arid earth or the gunfire crack of a bullet aimed directly at your pesky ex.

Whoops, just kidding, but there are so many things that you can enjoy listening to. As humans, we truly are blessed to be open to the sounds of nature, music, conversation and laughter. But, for the purpose of this blog, let’s touch on my favourite sounds so you can get to know a little more about me ... Kristy.

My favourite song to bliss out to would have to be Etta James’s ‘At Last’. Whenever I hear this song, everything is a-okay in the world no matter what. Billy Joel’s ‘Uptown Girl’ has always made me want to mop the floor and Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing’ just makes my head bop like a dashboard hula girl.

My favourite way to wake up each day is to hear the sounds of the birds chirping outside our window and hopefully the toilet flushing so I know hubby’s getting up to feed the baby (wishful thinking on my part there). I also love the sound of the kettle boiling, knowing that a hot cup of tea is headed my way.

I love the sound the rain makes as it comes across the mountains and pelts down upon the asphalt outside. I love the sound my hubby makes when he snores and the newborn gurgles from the cot at the end of our bed. I love the sound of my family’s successes and the happy chatter of friends. In fact, it’s becoming glaringly obvious that I enjoy listening to a lot of things and thus I’m grateful that I can.

What do you enjoy listening to?

Kristy 😀

What no one tells you about Pregnancy

I couldn’t help but dabble in this subject matter for the blog. I gave birth myself just over three months ago and everything is still fresh and raw in my mind. Plus, my latest novel (currently in the editing process) is a continuation from 100 Days of Happiness and a delightfully honest foray into pregnancy, birth and all that shite no one ever tells you about. So, I would say this topic is epically timed.

What no one ever tells you about pregnancy is that there’s only a fifty-fifty chance you’re going to love every second of it or wish you’d castrated your partner before his super sperm had done its job. Me being the latter, I’d felt that pregnancy was like being part of a hostage situation. No one tells you that you’ll lose the real-estate on your bladder and have to move full-time onto the porcelain bus and no one tells you that the first three months you’re shelling out cash for endless tests just to make sure you have a healthy human instead of a mini ape growing inside you.

What else does no one tell you? That your favourite Cuppa Joe may suddenly be removed from palatable substances you used to consume, your farts could end the world and every single day is a ‘fat day’ ladies. I should go on to mention that also, no one ever tells you how much labour will actually hurt. Imagine a Mack track ramming head first into a sewerage pipe and busting through the other end. Do you think there’s any damage after that? Sure, there’s stitches, blood, a giant gaping hole for future sexual exploits and probably a case of your insides trying to escape through your cervix. Nice, huh?

But on a lighter note, what no one can ever explain or tell you about pregnancy is how much you will love that little stow-away the second you lay eyes on him. And, despite all of the reasons mentioned above to book a full hysterectomy now, every single second of trauma will be worth it.

Unless of course the little bastard screams incessantly and never lets you sleep ...

Kristy 😃

My First Date

For any of you that have read my illustrious book ‘100 Days of Happiness’, you’ll know I’ve had quite a few dates in my time. My hubby still calls me a dirty whore in jest, but the truth is, it’s like buying ice-cream isn’t it? You don’t know exactly what you want until you’ve sampled at least a few of the, right?

Right.

So, I can’t exactly talk about ‘My First Date’ since I just mentioned there’s been a few.  What I can talk about, is the varied array that have occurred and the reasons why a first date doesn’t necessarily equate to a memorable experience, but rather, a reason to move forward, push the eject button or evacuate completely.

My very first date occurred when I was eleven years old. We’d gone to the movies with his family and mine as a part of a charity event and consequently been watched by said parents incessantly. I think we may have touched fingers at some point, but that was it. Exciting stuff, right? Definitely a reason to evacuate completely.

For ‘First Date’ number two, I would have been sixteen. This was the prelude to my first marriage and my then husband-to-be. I should have pushed the eject button then and there considering he showed up wearing all red; red jeans (I hadn’t known there was such a thing), red joggers and a bloody red shirt. He looked like a piece of fruit.

Several years on and I was divorced and back on the dating scene. So many men and so little time, right? Not exactly, but the first dates were thick and fast and nothing to write home about. Some guys smelt like they had an aversion to soap. One guy had gnarly toenails, another’s breath smelt like a brewery. Another thought ‘snot shots’ were a sport, another enjoyed sex with himself more than me.

The only memorable first date I ever had was with my current hubby. I know I’m supposed to say that, but it’s the honest-to-God truth. He wasn’t a weirdo, was and still is extremely intelligent, sometimes funny and he thinks smart, independent women are a turn on. He was a diamond in the rough to be sure, especially at my age where the fish in the pond have generally already been caught.

So in essence, a first date really doesn’t mean too much. It’s more like a job interview or a sampling of the pre-referenced ice-cream before buying the popsicle. It’s a chance to test compatibility and longevity. And, if all else fails, a chance to have a few minutes of fun! So, crack on with your first dates and chalk them up to experience, but don’t take them too seriously unless the flavour sitting in front of you is the one you want to eat for the rest of your life.

Kristy 😀

The Male Guide to Female Communication

Okay, so this is a tough one to communicate period because there is no right or wrong answer to this and certainly no two females on the planet are exactly alike. Likewise, no couples are the same nor are the males trying to determine what weird and wonderful things fly through the female brain.

It is safe to say, though, that women do give off signals that are often missed or completely misinterpreted. For example, when we’re trying something on and we ask you what you think, we’d actually like you to give us an honest response. Not, ‘You look like a fat whale in that,’ kind of honest answer, but the sort that shows you’re actually trying to help us determine whether or not to buy and or wear the item of clothing in question. If we do happen to look like Moby Dick, it’s best to control your repulsed fascial features and simply say, ‘Hmm, I don’t think that’s the right choice, maybe try ... (offering an alternative here is gold).’

Not so complicated, right?

There are about a million other examples of where communication between men and women break down. Who does the housework and what percentage is fair? Did she just fake her orgasm? Maybe I shouldn’t have bought that boat with our life savings without consulting her first. She won’t notice if I start wearing her lingerie or that I left our kid in the school parking lot for three hours, will she?

Soooo many situations in which communication can break down. So, the question is, how can men better understand how to deal with the female psyche? Well, the truth from my perspective is that you’re completely fucked. Most of the time we have no idea what we want until we want it, so it’s virtually impossible. What I can say, though, is that better led communication comes from knowing the other person in the relationship. What makes them happy? What pisses them off? If you can find a way to read her body language before the shit hits the fan, you’re onto a winner.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I’m certainly no relationship expert. Six years later and my hubby still leaves the wet mat on the bathroom floor and throws his clothes next to the laundry basket instead of in it. He’s about a second off getting a crowbar to the face because that’s me communicating regularly with words regarding exactly what I want, but the truth is, he chooses not to listen. Thus, a male guide to female communication is a waste of time if you’re not willing to read the fine print.

We’re all gonna do what we want to do anyway, right?

Right.

Kristy 😀