I may be unpopular for saying this, but I freaking hate football. And when I say football, I don't mean soccer (that game actually involves some skill).
So it's footy season in Australia, and this thuggish game of kick the egg-shaped ball around the paddock in teeny tiny shorts has overcome the nation. In lounge rooms everywhere televisions are boasting AFL and NRL in wide screen and high definition. Teenage boys are slapping their mates on the asses and girls are swearing like troopers. Families are gathered to fist the coffee table in support and the die-hards are wearing nothing but striped t-shirts and stubbies (otherwise known as the teeny-tiny shorts).
Meanwhile, people like me try to commandeer the remote or simply turn the television off. But what do you do on State of Origin night when the entire neighbourhood is screaming 'go you stupid, f@cking idiot, kick the ball!' in super high volume? Do you play ABBA? Do you slam windows and doors closed in the hopes they get the message?
I suppose you could pull a Julie Andrews and belt out 'The Sound of Music' from your balcony or driveway, tap on the front door with a loaded shotgun and then cock it when their over-cheery face greets you with surprise.
No. You simply suck it up, cringe through every outburst and then write a scathing post about it.
I suspect that's someone at the door now, coming to offer rebuttal.
Have a good one, even if it's the football,